I for one am not impressed by horses. Not in the slightest. They're big, ugly, smelly, and dumb, almost as much as humans.

You know what the lamest thing is about horses? I mean, aside from the fact that they leave enormous clumps of shit everywhere they go? It's that everything they're involved with is so fucking boring. Think about it: polo, horse racing, cowboy movies, eating hay, living in a stable, kiddie horse rides, horse shows, horse breeding … there's not one thing in that list that I'd want to participate in for more than like two seconds.

Anytime I see a cartoon with a horse, like some kind of stupid-ass scenario where some cartoon dog has to put some horseshoes on a horse, I just get mad. FAST-FORWARD! And when I see an obituary for some old Kentucky Derby winner, I'm all "That's some claim to fame there, horse-ass."

I'm not saying they're completely worthless, but jesus, enough with all the horse glorification already. The Pony Express was a long time ago. We have far more need for glue these days than horse rides.

Review by Archie Sassoon