Savannah Cats

Unlike the world of domestic dog breeding, which is capable of hybridization seemingly without limit (such as the 70-foot Gigantischund, a cross between a Daschund and an Ent), the cat culture doesn't frequently squeeze out any new breed that significantly varies in size.

The unnervingly dog-like Savannah housecat, though, is just monstrously big, having been created by cross-breeding with Servals, an African grassland mini-cheetah of sorts. I like to imagine that Savannahs originated by crazy, benzedrine-fueled rogue breeders who snuck into the local zoo after hours, and left Miss Precious in the African exhibit overnight until she'd taken all comers.

Savannahs are said to be great with kids and other pets, combining the blind loyalty and fearlessness of Man's Best Friend with the intelligence and ESP abilities of Here Kitty Kitty. They're also extremely keen on water, and will jump into a filled bathtub without warning. Come to think of it, my own boring farm cat has done that as well, but that was because she mistook my catheter for one of her cat-toys (admittedly, they look similar), resulting in a horrific bloodletting that I had to expressly convince my insurance company was not a suicide attempt or misfired moment of kink.

When I initially heard about Savannahs, I was determined to own one, until I found out their cost ($2-3k from a reputable dealer … $40-50 on the black market, but most likely you're just getting a sedated baby cheetah at that price, and you'll quickly see the error of your ways when it fully awakens). Crushed, I consoled myself by taking another bath with my cat, this time resulting in her (amazingly enough) scratching the phrase "FUCK FACE" into my forearm with her razor-sharp claws. Fortunately, I was able to sell a photo of the moment to Cat Fancy, who say they intend to use it in a line of "adult-oriented" cat owner trading cards they're thinking of launching.

Review by Cortland Catherly