Plenty of wonderful creatures have sprung forth from Mother Natureís sweet vagines, but God help me if I can explain the ectopic monstrosities known as spiders. Seriously, what the fuck? Just look at those things. And Iím just talking about the typical household species here. What about those ones in the jungle and shit? Theyíre huge and scary and deadly.

Some are black with red hourglass shapes on their husks. Could Satan himself have crafted anything more sinister? They have EIGHT legs. They have a thousand eyes. And when they give birth they shoot out like a million of them at a time. There is nothing we can do.

I saw on TV that spiders donít like light or air. What do you get when you combine light wirh air? FIRE. Oh, those little fuckers hate fire. Take an aerosol can and a cigarette lighter, and youíll be an arachnoid Ghostbuster. You can kill them, their little webs, their precious babies, and steal their treasure.

It is said that spiders keep the insect population in check, so thatís a good thing, I guess. Couldnít she have come up with a better system that doesnít even involve spiders or insects, period? They are going to outlive us all, you know.

the finger

Loud Bassoon rating scale

Review by Albert Stephanides