Don José Original Horchata

My ever-contrary cohort La Fée always prattles on about the moral superiority of vegans (though he eats meat), the thrilling lifestyle of gay bathhouses (though he's straight), and the films of Robert Downey, Sr. (none of which I believe he has actually sat through). Given his penchant for marginalia, I was appropriately skeptical when he effusively praised horchata, which I'd never heard of, as "God's own breastmilk." I mean, what the hell?

"OK, keep an open mind, " I said to myself, being the scientist of the bunch. But when I finally tried horchata, I found it to be a distasteful, bitter concoction – a thick, whitish rice drink with a bizarre aftertaste. At the time I thought perhaps the whole setup was just another aspect of La Fée's fascination with anything he doesn't actually like.

Cut to one hour ago. Searching the "lunch truck" (also humorously known around the office as "the roach coach" … who comes up with these things???) for something to drink besides the shitty Crystal Geyser they offer or the odd cola offerings (Caffeine Free Diet Mountain Dew? Carbonated Human Feces Lite?) and noticed that they were now providing a new brand of horchata in a slick-looking plastic bottle with all kinds of "graphics" and "words." So I figured I'd give it another shot and try to get to the bottom of the whole "horchata" business.

Well, I liked it. A lot. Billed as a non-dairy rice drink, Don José's Original Horchata was a super-sweet, milky smooth beverage – with barely the odd ricey aftertaste from the previous brand (brand name spitten upon and long forgotten). Shaken well, the miniscule bits o' rice that lend the drink an ever-so-slightly grainy feel cause no unpleasant sensation whatsoever. In fact, I might very well buy Don José Horchata again … as opposed to that Carbonated Human Feces Lite, which was not at all pleasant.

Of course, when I reported back to La Fée on my new findings, he insisted that the only way to drink horchata is to have the "real" stuff, sprinkled with cinnamon, in the diviest Mexican joint you can find. This from a guy who hasn't left his bedroom in close to 15 years!

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Review by Crimedog