Dr Parker

I'm continually surprised by the number of all natural Dr Pepper rip-offs there are. Every time I turn round I find another one. Why, look, here's one called Dr Parker. This one is probably the most convincing one I've found in terms of replicating the original flavor – it's a solid beverage with no harsh aftertaste and a clear, strong flavor that defines ROCK AND ROLL.

Um, clearly I just said that for lack of any more ways to describe a beverage. This one is put out by Whole Foods and features a 19th-century-lookin' alchemist-type brewing up somethin' special on the side of the can. A nice way to revisit Dr Pepper for those of us who have forsaken the pleasures of the earthly world (i.e. caffeine and preservatives).

Now if only I could find a substitute for my very secular masturbation habit. The archbishop has already reprimanded me twice for using the confessional as a peep-show booth.

Loud Bassoon rating scale

Review by Reverend James Pardon