Hornsby's Hard Cider – Amber Draft

Remember when there was a hue and cry about feeding babies apple juice, because it rotted their nascent teeth? Well, young mothers should be cautioned even more strongly against feeding their babies Hornsby's. For while it certainly tastes like apple juice, it acts like beer. Case in point: I gave my 1-year-old son only two of these delicious drinks, and shortly he began swearing like a sailor and drunkenly reminiscing about the womb … a sloppy drunk at such a young age! There oughta be a law.

Unlike Bruce Hornsby's recent music, George Hornsby's hard cider is supremely palatable. It feels so much like juice that you don't even notice it sneaking up on you … as I found after drinking four of them and ending up hitting on my dog. Now, my dog hadn't had sex in three years, so she was more than willing for what ensued, but I woke up questioning the morality of it all.

Our governors should take a long, hard look at the widespread availability of alcoholic drinks so sweet that they might as well be Diet Mountain Dew. They should advise us to be careful about drinks that seem like juice, but which actually are bacchanalian. They owe it to our children. Just ask my son, who is currently in the 5-and-under program at the "Promises" rehab retreat in Phoenix, Arizona.

Review by Herman Beaver