Nalgene Narrow-Mouth Bottles

I had never heard of Nalgene before I saw a fellow Loud Bassoon staffer drinking from one while writing a review for Horse P. I was fascinated. Here was a bottle with all the durability of the human femur, but with more liquid capacity. I had to get one for myself, so I did.

Mine is a narrow-mouth model as opposed to the wide-mouth version I was introduced to. Both hold more than 32 ounces, but the meter on the side just goes up to 32, but there is also a metric display for 1000 mL. The narrow-mouth version is easier to drink from while driving or walking, as well as when performing enemas.

I began to bring my bottle to work every day and soon the rest of the employees began to take notice. “Who's that bringing that bottle to staff meetings every week?” I would hear them say. They know now. The Big Boss was so impressed that all of us got Nalgene bottles, all wide-mouth and all in different colors, for our holiday bonuses. Sometimes we even joke that we're the Power Rangers. I'm the Yellow Ranger.

I use one of my bottles every day. I have to pee at least twice as much as I used to, but with so much water inside me, this only increases the sense of satisfaction when I release it from my body. I learned that it is unwise to keep the cap closed when I'm not drinking it, because that sours the water and results in gastrointestinal discomfort and unintentional liquid defecation if you don't wash the bottle frequently … as my dry cleaner can surely attest. Leaving the cap unscrewed while you drink, as if you were drinking a glass of water, increases the time you can go without washing. I'd say once every two weeks should suffice.

I mentioned the durability earlier, and it's still true. You can drop one of these bottles off the St. Louis Arch and it probably wouldn't break. They're also handy to take on hiking trips. Mine went with me up Kilimanjaro and even sustained a prolonged mêlée with two hyenas trying to get at my water. The bottle is scratched, but doesn't leak at all.

I suggest you get a Nalgene bottle if you find it difficult to maintain your recommended daily water intake. Two bottles' worth will fulfill your daily needs, and will also save you money that you've been spending on bottled water. You'll still need to purchase enema solution, though.

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Review by Albert Stephanides