The Amityville Horror (1979)
Directed by Stuart Rosenberg
Written by Sandor Stern

Picture, won't you, a dark and stormy night in which a shadowy figure runs rampant through the house, bursting open doors and shooting a sleeping family, to death no less. Soon after, the Lutz family moves in, amazed at the bargain they're getting, unaware that the house hates Catholics. Soon after that, George Lutz (James Brolin) furiously chops wood with a scarily gleaming axe, and Kathy Lutz (Margot Kidder) furiously washes dishes and thinking someone's in the room with her, while the reviewer furiously tries to stay awake.

"Suspense" builds as Father Delaney (Rod Steiger) visits and is covered in flies and told, famously, to "Fuck a duck!" (Well, technically he's told to "Get out!" but "Fuck a duck!" is way more Satanic.)

The house tries harder and harder to scare the family, until Kathy sees red eyes in the window and George chops more wood and Father Delaney gets a bad head cold.

The movie tries its darndest to be atmospheric, but it mostly doesn't play. I say "mostly," since a couple of moments are genuinely creepy, such as the babysitter getting locked in the closet and banging on the door until her knuckles bleed, and a brief moment in which Kathy feels a presence pass by in the kitchen.

Also, the film possesses a sensibility and look that a lot of 70s horror films had – it's almost impossible to describe, but somewhere between the lazy pacing, uninspired framing of shots, and washed-out colors is the underlying sense that pretty much anything could happen at any moment. Unlike today's horror films, where scares are doled out in predictable rhythms, it's truly difficult to predict what will happen next, unless you read the book, which I did, sadly enough.

As for performances …

Rod Steiger's is an openly alcoholic parody of itself.

Brolin seals his status as professional dreamboat, with fluffy beard and even fluffier hair. He's a handsome, strapping fellow, as evidenced in the countless scenes of him chopping wood (perhaps a 70s euphemism for fucking Barbra Streisand?), and the unintentionally hysterical sequence in which he runs around the house in a tight t-shirt and tighty-whities. His acting falls somewhere between "who?" and "what?"

Margot Kidder looks alarmingly like Courtney Cox-Arquette, and flashes one nanosecond of breast meat. She's not that bad, but totally forgettable (and I'm talking about her acting here, though I did hear a similar rumor about her lovemaking skills). Observation: a lot of women in horror films have big eyes and big teeth, so that when they scream or get scared, it looks scarier. Case in point: Shelley Duvall in The Shining and Shelley Long in Madhouse. (Please note: Madhouse starring Shelley Long doesn't actually exist, but it should).

Eventually, the house goes apeshit and tries to kill everyone by dripping blood down the walls. SPOILER ALERT: George goes back to save the dog … and succeeds!

Perhaps by 70s standards this was a decent horror film. By today's standards? More like THE AMITYVILLE SNORER!

Review by Crimedog