The Guardian (2006)
Directed by Andrew Davis
Written by Ron L. Brinkerhoff

It's Top Gun … in the Coast Guard!!

Kevin Costner is the embittered trainer drinking away the memories of his former glory, while Ashton Kutcher is the cocky young upstart who threatens to outshine him.

But you know what? They both have something to learn from each other!

There's even a Kelly McGillis character thrown in, so as not to stray too far from the template. This attention to pure familiarity keeps The Guardian from completely sucking, but it also inevitably makes the film formulaic, perfunctory, and predictable. It's way overlong, and looking back, I'm not sure there was a single scene that wasn't a montage. To quote my hubby: "An angry Sela Ward in the first 10 minutes does not bode well."

Top Gun, at least, had a full-throttle ROCKIN' soundtrack with plenty of ROCKIN' Kenny Loggins tracks, and lots of exciting jet-fighter scenes. The Guardian, on the other hand, has, mostly … people drowning. Its attempt to convince us that the Coast Guard is full of "HEROES" feels apologetic rather than celebratory.

I mean, yeah, I know the Coast Guard comes to the rescue when cruise ships sink and all that, but don't they spend most of their time saving, like, drunken jet skiiers? I'm sure that's an ignorant statement, but that never stopped me before.

Review by Sharp Nicki