 The Loved One (1985) Foley's history is well documented also, from his early days toiling before small crowds in Memphis, to his early tour in WCW, on to his brutal days in Japan. As a WWF superstar, everything he did was documented by dozens of cameras at once. But there was one part of his past that remained elusive. In fact, it was impossible to find, and it had always been thought that it would never be seen by the masses. When Mick was a young man growing up on Long Island, he was obsessed with professional wrestling, as obsessed as I am with his obsession with it. (?) He thought about it constantly, always daydreaming about what it would be like to get in the ring, to hear the cheers of thousands of fans, to feel their adulation wash over him. He knew deep down in his heart that he wanted to be a pro wrestler, but he knew that "fat Mick Foley" lacked the necessary tools to make his dream come true. He wasn't handsome, he wasn't macho, he wasn't sculpted like a Greek god, and he was less than smooth when it came to the ladies. Mick Foley wasn't the man for the job, so he created an entirely new persona that could handle it. A man who was handsome, who was self-confident, charming, and a consummate lady-killer. And so, in 1985, Dude Love was born. Mick envisioned the Dude as the ultimate heartthrob; he was everything Mick had ever wanted to be, which was, in effect, everything a woman could want in a man. He wore sunglasses constantly, and he sported a large tattoo of a heart in the center of his chest. But it wasn't enough that the Dude exist in Mick's mind – he needed to bring him to life. Which is how The Loved One came to be. Mick gathered his close knit circle of friends (they dubbed themselves "The Brothers Penis") and they set out to make a movie about the Dude. They commandeered a video camera, enlisted some other friends (mostly female) to pad out the production, wrote a script, and set about bringing Mick's dream to fruition. Calling the film a B-movie is an insult to all the great B-movies that have been made, and it's an insult to all the horrible B-movies ever made as well. The video is of dubious quality, having been made on vintage 1985 equipment. The picture is often grainy and fuzzy, the sound frequently muddy and barely audible. In fact, in portions of the film, the most clearly audible sound is the loud whirring of the camera's lens as it zooms in and out. The "acting" that goes on is barely acknowledgeable as such … the only person who appears to know his lines, at least most of the time, is Mick. However, all the problems with the quality of the video (poor to begin with, and no doubt exacerbated by mine being probably a 92nd generation copy) and the "quality" of the acting only add to the charm and the inevitable hilarity. Most of the "cast" other than Mick either have silent roles, or read their lines of sheets of paper that are either out of the shot, or hidden in magazines or other items. The plot is told in a series of flashbacks, detailing Mick's long journey from a failed suicide attempt (using a gun that shoots ping-pong balls) brought on after he propositions a woman that is actually a man (but was actually played by a female friend). He eventually, at the urging of his friends, decides to "get back into wrestling," using "The Masked Debater" as his gimmick. I'll pause briefly for you to say "The Masked Debater" three times fast. Got it? All right, can we move on now? Good. After a brief run of successful matches (alluded to, but not seen), Masked Debater is introduced to some female wrestling fans, and he turns on all his charm to go for the big score. The girls are unimpressed and smack him around. After this debacle, Debater sees only one choice: he has to contact The Grand Lizard Of Wrestling. (The joke here is that back around the time they made this film, The Grand Wizard was a very well-known wrestling manager.) Debater looks his number up in the Yellow Pages, and there it is, hand-written on a yellow sheet of typing paper stuck in the middle of the book. He introduces himself to The Lizard, who is less than impressed. After berating Debater with a series of insults ("I wouldn't let you shake the urine off the tip of my penis") the Lizard agrees to train him, but he'll have to do it the Lizard's way. The Lizard rips Debater's polo shirt off, revealing a heart-shaped tattoo (drawn on with magic marker) squarely in the middle of Mick's chest. The Lizard then presents the Debater with his "first pajama top," and Dude Love is born. The next time we see the Debater, he's been transformed. He wears his torn and tattered pajama top proudly, sports a new pair of sunglasses, long hair wrapped in a bandanna, and a goatee. (Lord knows how long it took Mick to grow his hair and beard out, but knowing him, it was probably three days tops.) He comes out with the Grand Lizard, and cuts basically the first promo of his life. He announces his intent to rise to the top and win the ultimate prize, the World Wrestling Federation title. Even then, in a pretty clumsy interview with little rhythm and some glaring errors, you can sense the star wanting to break out, and you can see how comfortable he is on camera. Soon after this, we begin the actual wrestling content of the tape, which is basically Dude Love beating the crap out of various guys. Almost certainly the first documented "backyard wrestling" in history, you see a lot of similarities in the moves the Dude uses here and the repertoire Foley has today. At one point, he brings out the double arm DDT, which he later made famous as Cactus Jack. A big segment in the middle (which details Dude's rise to stardom – at various times we see various wrestling magazines with pictures of Dude's face glued on the covers) is backed with a strange knock-off version of ZZ Top's "La Grange." This adds a surreal quality to the proceedings, which were decidedly disorienting to begin with. After he finally defeats the supposed WWF champion Ishmala (a short, tubby, Puerto Rican looking guy with makeup a la Kamala The Ugandan Giant) the Dude has to defend his title in a match against Big Dick Zuck, who turns out to actually be a small Indian guy that looks a lot like the Indian kid on "That 70s Show." This is the match that would ultimately make Mick the star that he is today. After a fairly long match (which sees Big Dick take a head shot with a bright pink giant wiffleball bat/club, the type we used to call "The Flintstone Bopper"), Foley sets out on his quest for glory. After setting up Big Dick on some conveniently placed mattresses (which in turn sit on top of cardboard boxes) Foley climbs to the roof of his friend's house. With a pose reminiscent of his hero Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka, he takes to the air and drops fifteen feet to land on the mattresses. However, Big Dick rolled out of the way, and in filming him doing so, the camera operator missed most of Mick's leap. So, he did it again, and this time, they got it on tape. (Good thing, too, since this is the tape that Dominic Denucci saw, which convinced him to train Mick.) With no one home, the Dude is stunned, which gives Big Dick the chance to apply his finishing maneuver, the dreaded Sodomizer. Humiliated, the Dude runs off, never to be seen again. For Foley fans, this movie is just spellbinding to watch. It's like seeing early footage of Beatles as a high school band, or traveling back in time to witness the first pratfall ever attempted by John Ritter. It's a Holy Grail of sorts. The chance to see a young Mick, barely out of his teenage years, before the wrestling business battered and broke his body is not to be missed. The move that Cactus Jack would later make famous, the double-arm DDT, makes its first appearance in some bonus footage at the end of the tape. This bonus footage also features Mick jumping off a basketball hoop. There are also some sublimely ridiculous moments, such as when the telephone at Mick's house rings during one of the scenes. We hear Mick call out, "I'll get it," and he can be heard carrying on a muffled conversation as the rest of the scene plays out. The family cat also makes several impromptu appearances. Trying to connect this Mick with the one we know and love so much is almost impossible, yet so many of the mannerisms are there that to the hardcore Foley fans, it's hard to miss. Most of all, the tape helps to affirm the bond I feel with him, since I can see so much of myself in the way he was at that young age. Sure, it's a little embarrassing to look back on it, but given how far Mick went from here, it's also more than a little amazing.
Review by Mario Speedwagon |