 Queen of the Damned (2002) I was inexplicably excited to see QOTD when it came out, though even fortification with at least one bottle of red wine beforehand did not prevent me from howling along with the derisive squeals of the audience at every unintentionally campy moment – indeed, at some points it seems like the film is specifically aiming for cult fandom as one of the biggest misfires of all time. It fares better on the small screen, where the objectionable elements can dissipate quietly, away from the stake-wielding mob mentality. The plot, hacked together unreasonably from disparate Anne Rice novels, concerns the vampire Lestat (Stuart Townsend) pursuing a singing career (?), which makes the rest of the world's vampires uncomfortable and somehow reawakens an evil goddess (Aaliyah), while compelling a curious girl (Margeurite Moreau) to leave the vampire watchgroup of which she is a member (?) and pursue the vampire life herself. It's a whole bunch of hogwash, punctuated by (actually good) hard-goth songs in straightforward music-video format, and "Angel"-style goth-comedy. The real selling point is Aaliyah's wrongheaded performance, which makes Elizabeth Berkeley in Showgirls seem completely tasteful and heartfelt by comparison. It's hard to decide whether it's more prurient to watch her way-over-the-top, this-one's-for-the-drag-queens acting here, or to seek out photos of her in that plane crash. Certainly this movie is more ultimately deathly. The budget isn't big enough to make it a truly gigantic stinkbomb, but not low enough to make it a laughable low-rent mess. Yet … there is something about Queen of the Damned that I greatly enjoy. Maybe I secretly never got over The Craft, I don't know. Knowing not how to tack a regular rating onto this one, I hereby bestow three simultaneously cool and uncool H.R. Giger Cats.
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Review by Short Shortman