Underworld (2003)
Directed by Len Wiseman
Written by Danny McBride

Just another loud, joyless exercise in marketing machinery, Underworld pretty much lacks in every department. Any film about a war between vampires and werewolves ought to at least be kind of fun. But Underworld takes itself way too seriously.

It's not outright over-the-top enough to be good 'n' silly, not gory enough to be a straight-up horror film and not thrilling at all. What it is, is grueling, and loud, and empty.

The story is simultaneously confusing and totally predictable … a bunch of hogwash about how vampires have to kill werewolves, and the werewolf leader is trying to get the blood of some doctor (Scott Speedman) who just happens to be the descendent of the source of vampires and werewolves. (?)

It's the werewolf-killers' job to stop werewolves from getting this blood and creating a hybrid werepire or vampwolf. From the get-go it's obvious that the leader of the vampire coven, cravenly named Kraven, is in league with the werewolves. And there's no question that lead werewolf-killer Selene (Kate Beckinsale) will discover that the vampires' motives aren't as pure as she's been led to believe.

A couple of werewolf transformation scenes are alright, and there's one ancient vampire who comes to life and looks pretty cool, though he's not at all scary. The acting is truly C-list miserable.

Lacking gore, decent plot twists, or even your typical vampiric sensuality and nudity, Underworld has little-to-nothing to recommend itself. Just further proof that a successful comic doesn't guarantee even a moderately entertaining film, nor justify spending the GDP of the Benelux countries to get such a piece of utter shit into the megaplex.

Review by Crimedog