 Imo's Pizza
I was motoring west, as planned, on Route 66 (aka the highway that's the best), with Depeche Mode's version of "Route 66" blaring from the cassette player. Not because I love the song, but because my navigation system was broken, and this was the only way I could think of to stay on course, since the lyrics are basically like having OnStar. Unfortunately, it turns out my cassette player was also broken, and was playing the tape in reverse—so instead of finding myself in oh-so-pretty Oklahoma City or the apparently easy-to-forget Wynonna, I ended up going "down to Missouri"—of all the shitfucks!!! Missouri!!! 🤧 Talk about not getting your fuckin' kicks!!!
Having wasted at least 18 hours on this, my latest boner, I took the nearest exit to regroup, get some grub, and figure out my next maneuver. Sullivan, Missouri is not exactly a player's paradise, so my options were limited to the usual interstate fast-food emporiums, but then I spotted an Imo's Pizza! I'd been wanting to try Imo's since I first heard about "St. Louis-style" pizza, which some of my friends from St. Louis claim doesn't really exist. But to those who do believe, Imo's is either the foremost, or only, chain specializing in it. St. Louis style is characterized by a cracker-thin crust and the use of Provel®—a very low-grade processed cheese that melts like Kraft® Singles. Yeah, I didn't think it would be great either, but I had to find out for myself.
This was a sad, sad little pizza. I've never encountered a scratch-made pizza that tasted like it was cooked from frozen and then left under a heat lamp for three hours. I can see how, under absolutely ideal conditions—cooked with precision and eaten the moment it was cool enough to not burn your mouth—the combination of the crisp crust and Provel® might be pretty good, but unfortunately that's not how you're gonna get it at this particular Imo's … if any. Clearly it was time for a change. I went to the nearby Wal-Mart and got a new tape player installed. While digging through their bargain cassette bin—mitzvah!—I found the soundtrack to Disney's Cars! Not only does it have Chuck Berry's and John Mayer's versions of "Route 66," but "Life Is A Highway" as well! Man, I'm totes gonna see that movie when I finally get to the end of the rainbow—aka my sweet new life in Barstow!
Review by Timothy Hay, October 2019 |
