 Taco Bell #31420
I don't get to Chicago's historic Hipsterville all that much, mostly because abhorrent clusterfucks are for the young. But the last time I was passing through, I suddenly remembered reading on ChiliCheese.Org that the Taco Bell here was reported to have my White Whale—the ever-tricky-to-find Chili Cheese Burrito. So I begrudgingly dealt with parking, went in, and ordered one, fully expecting a big Chili Cheese Disappointment. Amazingly, the cashier didn't even blink, and within a few minutes I was wrappin' me gums around that soft, warm, steamy, cheesy concoction that helps me hang on. Wastin' away again in Chili Cheese Burritoville! And while I knew the day would come, it's still sad to have to report that I visited again the other day and it's gone—that is, the Taco Bell is still here, but the CCB is not. "We don't sell that anymore," said the cashier somewhat sheepishly, probably unaware of how much she was ruining my WHOLE FUCKIN' LIFE. With this development, this Taco Bell goes instantly from mythical unicorn status to "Go away, kid, you bother me." (Since my only two emotions are childish wonder and a W.C. Fields impression.) Taking the CCB out of this TB leaves only one of the most annoying locations in the franchise. The employees are slow as fuck, it's not that clean, and parking sucks. One other strike against this place is the marquee, which says "TACOS" as though indicating a local craft taco place. Fine, fine, just trying to fit into the neighborhood, but do you really think you're going to lure in some handlebar-mustachioed fuckface with the idea of tacos auténticos and somehow bait-and-switch them into a Fire-Blasted Chalupinator or whatever? It's Taco Bell, just let it be Taco Bell. I think this one serves alcohol, so it's something like that Las Vegas Taco Bell I keep hearing about on "Vegas Eats Shit" on TBS. I'm sure adding booze makes this place and its clientele super charming as the evening goes on.
Review by Ting-Tong Bing-Bong, March 2020 |
