tempesta market

Tempesta Market
1372 W. Grand Ave, Chicago, IL, USA

Ask anyone who knows me, I'm all about trying new things. I was the first in my peer group to get LASIK (didn't even need it), the first to "Mount McKinley" (as we call Eileen McKinley, the local Irish slattern, because we can't think of any other sexual jokes on her name), and the first to buy slaves. So when I heard about a new sandwich place to try, I was all about it.

Well, Tempesta Market isn't new, but I hadn't heard of it until I stumbled upon some Yelp reviews with some seriously mouth-watering photos of Tempesta's various sandwiches. I knew that, like those pioneering Yelpers, I, too, would one day taste freedom. (You see, I myself was once a slave.)

tempesta market

I went with the Dante, which came with chips (Great Lakes barbecue chips … not sure i've ever gotten barbecue chips as the default, but i hain't complainin'), and a glass of water. It was something like $15.07 total. "Pricey sandwich!" you shout. Fuckin'-A-right, bub. But you can tell straight away that the quality of the meats here is beyond reproach, and there's a lot of beyond-reproach meat on this fuckin' sandwich. Not Beyond Meat®, jizz-face. Beyond-fuckin'-reproach meat.

To quote the Bible, "Hot Soppressata, Mortadella, Finnochinoa, Hot Coppa, Porchetta, Provolone, Giardiniera, 'Nduja Aioli, Lettuce, and Tomato on a Baguette." It's almost like this sandwich was engineered specifically to be food-blogged about. And while I very much enjoyed it, I might argue that the whole is ultimately a bit less than the sum of its parts. I didn't quite get this epic meld of insane flavor, and even eating bits of each meat individually, nothing jumped out as "to die for." It was tasty, for sure, but perhaps it's so stunning visually that you keep wanting it to taste otherworldly. It's like when I got a chance to lick Kirstie Alley's hair … I mean, it was fine, but … * shrug *.

Also, The Dante is VERY oily. A straight mayo might work a little better than the aioli, with so much oily meat and peppers involved. I kep' sayin', "Holy moley, oyo boyo, dis aioli, it's-a one oily-ass aioli!" Haw, haw … no I din't, but hain't it of been funny if'n I did?

When I mentioned this place to Eileen McKinley, she said for the price she'd rather get three or four ham sandwiches from Subway. I mean, come on, Eileen!

Review by Pumboo Dongo-Dohnoh, January 2020