Tom's of Maine Natural Alcohol-Free Baking Soda Mouthwash

You know that Elfen liquid that the Hobbits drink in The Lord of the Rings, which is otherworldly in its sublime taste and supernaturally sustaining to boot? Well, it turns out that you can get it outside of Middle Earth, and it's called Tom's of Maine Natural Alcohol-Free Baking Soda Mouthwash.

Yes, I know that "alcohol-free" doesn't sound like any fun, but come on, you're trying to make your breath stop stankin', right? I'm not sure how Tom's of Maine has managed to bottle such an improbably delicious thing; perhaps they have a sweatshop set up in Lórien, much as Nike has them in Laos.

It hits your lips like a hazy, ecstatic kiss from 1981 Stevie Nicks, dances across your tongue like pre-White Nights Baryshnikov, gargles like the Fountain of Youth, and expectorates like a bittersweet final handshake with your college sweetheart, who's going off to Italy to "study abroad."

As to its breath-freshening quality, I have found none better. It eradicates the heavy lingering cloud of nicotine caused by my incessant smoking, and even the deep, rich aftertaste of human blood caused by my witchcraft rituals. Do yourself and your partner a favor, swish this Elfen magic in your mouth as often as you can.

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Review by Dina di Piedro