Peter Paul® Mounds®

I should begin by stating for the record that I did not, in fact, consume a Mounds® bar for this review, but I can tell you that I have certainly had enough of them in my life to tell you definitively that they are fucking good. Dark chocolate and coconut … simple, sweet, succulent, and sinfully delicious.

Anything with coconut in it is bound to be good in the first place (with the exception, perhaps, of TGI Friday's short-lived "Blackened Cajun Coconut Shell Alcohol Drink," which was not served in a coconut shell, but actually featured coconut shell as its primary ingredient, so basically it was a glass of rum with a bunch of shit floating around in it … and despite the fact that the drink did not really ever exist, it was certainly one of the most disgusting things I've e'er run acrost), and Mounds® is no exception.

This was always a real treat to receive on Halloween, all the more so because siblings and friends would invariably let me have their Mounds® because it was always inexplicably kind of a loser candy bar. That's the story of my life of course: my favorite videogame was "Crazy Climber," and my favorite movie was Rock Show starring Paul McCartney and Wings.

The only other thing that comes to mind regarding Mounds® was that I seem to recall a girl I went to junior high school with being nicknamed "Mounds®" because her chest developed quite ahead of the game. So needless to say, anytime someone had a Mounds® bar, she'd be in for some kind of taunting or another. I slow danced with her at a bar mitzvah one time in 7th grade and had a full erection through the entirety of "Careless Whisper." It won us the "Most Romantic Dance Partners" prize, although subsequently I acquired the nickname "Oh! Henry."

Review by Dheri Jordache