Toffifay

Toffifay probably doomed itself in the early 80s with its who-is-this-trying-to-appeal-to ad campaign:

"Toffifay is too good for kids/Toffifay is made for grownups."

I think this was probably intended to make kids try to "sneak" Toffifays in an effort to flout convention. Nothing brings out a kid's rebellious streak faster than telling them what candy not to have. This is the sad origin story of countless strangulation-based rapists.

The "Toffifay: Fuck You, Kids!" campaign mostly just made children reject this hoity-toity candy outright. "We'll show them—we won't buy ANY fucking Toffifay! Let the grown-ups have it!" screamed the mob of kids circling around the Storck Candy offices.

Aha, Toffifay is German in origin. Well, that explains everything. Grown-ups in America don't really eat candy, do they? But the Germans can't get enough. So the real war isn't between kids and adults, it's between Germans and everyone else, as usual.

"Toffifay is too good for Americans/Toffifay is made for Germans."

That's how it should have gone. THAT would have made this the most hated and biggest-selling candy of all time.

Not that anyone, including myself, is following any of this so-called logic. Anyway, Toffifay really deserves a better shake. I was one of the child scabs who crossed the picket lines to enjoy its hazelnutty goodness as a kid, and I still like it as a (supposed) adult. It's really far too subtle for mainstream success. Rather than slathered in chocolate like fill-in-the-blank American Fatty Bar, Toffifay has a dollop of chocolate atop a caramel cup filled with nougat and a hazelnut. Delicious. And so fancy! You have to gingerly remove each cup from its plastic molding.

Four Toffifays to a package, the perfect amount. Them Germans may have failed in that whole "master race" business, but they sure make good candy.

Review by Dheri Jordache