Post Grape-Nuts

I've had an extremely long history with Grape-Nuts, which I consider to be the great underdog cereal. Most folks think Grape-Nuts are boring and flavorless. But like the Catholic Church, they've got it all backwards (Jesus was a song-and-dance man, you know, and in fact the Kingdom of God is a lovely dinner theater in upstate New York – it's all right there in my new crowd-pleasing book Catholics Are Fags). But religion aside, Grape-Nuts is a multi-purpose cereal that will finally get recognized in the new Millenium, along with the best vaudevillian routines of God's Earthly Son.

Now that I've alienated pretty much everyone with a senseless yet insulting attack on Christianity, let's talk cereal. Grape-Nuts are odd-shaped crunchy little nuggets with a rich, earthy flavor. Tumbling from the simple but elegant white box, they remind me of a miniature meteor shower of crunchy wheat and barley goodness.

Now, what's great about Grape-Nuts is not just that they taste good, but that they absorb milk like a bitch. Plus, a new box of Grape-Nuts is one full box – no empty space, and barely any settling.

Early in my tender life, I would generally only eat Grape-Nuts with yogurt – they lend a wonderful texture to what is essentially flavored rotten milk, without getting in the way of what I like to call "the compleat yogurt experience." I'm not sure what I mean by that.

Eventually I tried Grape-Nuts on its own in milk. The only downside is that because it absorbs milk so well, if you don't add enough milk product you basically have a thick gray paste, which while not visually appealing, has a surprisingly tasty earthy flavor. And with honey, all the more so. But as much as I enjoy the Compleat Grape-Nuts Experience, I most often use Grape-Nuts as a filler.

See, here's the problem with cereal as I see it. Most cereal parts are so large and irregular (like my genitals!) that you end up needing far more milk than is necessary for the amount of actual cereal in the bowl. Ultimately you're left with a bunch of tiny cereal crumbs in a small lake of milk. This just won't do.

So my solution is to pour in the Primary Cereal, then add a dash of Grape-Nuts, and finally the milk. At the bottom of the bowl you will be delighted to find a small helping of pleasantly mushy milk-saturated Grape-Nuts – the perfect ending to the perfect meal.

What's more, I often include a large-volume Primary Cereal (Honey Nut Cheerios), augmented by a smaller-volume Secondary Cereal (Cinnamon Life), and filled in with our beloved Grape-Nuts. I tell you, there's no better three-course meal than the one you can have in your cereal bowl … thanks in large part to Grape-Nuts.

Yes, ultimately Grape-Nuts is not the best Primary Cereal – not nearly as reliable on a daily basis as, say, Cinnamon Life. But believe me, even Stalin had support staff. So think of Grape-Nuts the next time you go shopping for cereal. It's what Jesus wanted.

Review by Crimedog