Kaukauna Spreadable Cheddar – Extra Sharp Cheddar

Aside from the fermented curds I routinely pluck from Scarlett Johannson's ladyparts (full disclosure: I'm her gyno), Kaukauna is one of my favorite spreadable cheeses. Let the snobs go on and on about Brie, but the plain truth is that Alison Brie's cunt-cheese pales in comparison to Miss Johannson's. To her credit, Alison Brie is clearly fanatical about grooming, and her (often ironically) coiffed bush is frequently hilarious.

Kaukauna, on the other hand – my favorites are the Extra Sharp and Port Wine flavors – shit man, slather some on a Town House cracker and you're more cracked-out than a Crack House townie. And on a fucking burger? Fuhhhgeeedddaboudddit, as the people of Kaukauna, Wisconsin would say.

As to the authenticity or artisanship of the cheese … I dunno … I mean, fuck you, man.

Review by Dr. Mandelbaum