Doritos® Fiery Habanero™

Mainstream foodstuffs have about the same "overpromising and underdelivering" quality as the corporate marketing twats who conceive them. Joe Marketing-Twatt staves off his inevitable canning for another week by selling his bosses on the idea of a "truly spicy chicken sandwich" that will "revitalize vertical-channel sales" and "connect with an untapped demographic." Money is thrown into the pit; out roll the TV ads hyping this bold, manly, smokin' hot chicken sandwich; and when you actually go out and buy one, you find that it tastes just like the old goddamn chicken sandwich, with all the "fiery kick" of a fucking matzo ball. Those giant food corporations must assume that people love the idea of spicy food, yet object to the actual presence of spice. Like, "Flamin' Cheetos®" – those may be flamin' fuckin' gay but they sure as hell ain't flamin' fuckin' hot!

So, all that said, you'd be entirely in-bounds to assume, as I did, that "Fiery Habanero™" flavor Doritos® would be pretty much just Nacho Cheesier™ flavor Doritos® in a somewhat more "extreme"-looking bag. Surprisingly, though, they are pretty goddamned spicy! Sure, they don't actually deliver the "nuclear explosion" of habanero, chipotle, and jalapeño flavor that's promised on the bag copy, they are certainly some of the most bona fide hot chips I've ever had. Not quite eye-watering hot, but definitely "Shit, I should probably have some water" hot – and with a sharp tang that renders the experience quite similar to going down on Shakira right after she's downed about ten straight Bloody Marys. Now, that's not something I'd do every day, but in just the right moment, that's one unbeatable fucking tingle on your tongue, even if in the process you make yourself slightly sick.

Review by Vo Strey