Tofutti® Coffee Marshmallow Swirl

Often times, people will see me eating my veggie chili dogs or salisbury seitan and say to me, "Eulander, now do those really taste as good as the real thing?" I usually say something like, "I don't know, why don't you ask your wife?"

This angers them immediately until they realize I haven't necessarily said something insulting, at which point they become greatly confused, then annoyed, and finally just angry again. I have received six black eyes and four fat lips from this type of behavior.

My thought on meat and dairy replacers is: who cares if they do not taste "like" whatever they are emulating? They are not trying to be "authentic" or whatever. Although some succeed in this – that Unturkey I served for Thanksgiving last year was frighteningly accurate – with most of these products, you just have to start appreciating them on their own terms.

My many attempts to live dairy-free have all ended within 12 or, at the longest, 18 months. This time, I'm gonna make it! It's gonna last forever!! I am never going to have "real" pizza or ice cream again!

Well, that was depressing. Who knows what the hell will actually happen, but I am giving it another go. To that end, here's a delicious pint of Toffuti® nondairy frozen dessert. It's loaded with corn syrup and sugar, sure, but it's far better than downing a pint of Ben & Jerry's, nutritionally at least.

The Coffee Marshmallow Swirl flavor is truly delicious, "fake" though it is. Like Healthy Choice's Cappuccino Chocolate Chunk, this one blends the velvety smooth sophistication of coffee with the rich creamy goodness of "ice cream," and throws in swirls of sumptuous fake marshmallow fluff type shit in there.

It's fucking good no matter what you like – dairy, soy, or throatblood.

Review by Eulander Coxum