Tofutti® Cuties™

My colleague Crimedog challenged me to review Tofutti® Cuties, clearly thinking that this was some kind of risky dare. But it turned out to be much more treat than trick. Wait, the Halloween verbiage is completely unnecessary. Oh well, so is this whole website, and that's never stopped us before. Continuing…

Tofutti® Cuties are little ice cream sandwiches much like the ones you'd have on ice cream day in elementary school, unless you were born in the projects, in which case you'd have been lucky to even have textbooks. But these little Tofutti® babies are non-dairy, making them healthier and more appropriate to use when trying to impress potential sex partners. "Oh, I am a commited Vegan," you lie, knowing that the 19-year-old vegetarian college student you picked up will find you instantly more appealing. "See, I have Toffuti® Cuties," you say, pushing a pint of Ben & Jerry's to the back of the freezer and obscuring it with frozen vegetables. "Say, do you want to see my nudes?" Etc.

They are 100% delicious (the Cuties, I mean, though the nudes are too, as well as the 19 year olds). The only possible drawback is that the Cuties are 5 grams of fat per mini sandwich, and you'll want to eat like 3 of them, but that's still comparable to your typical Good Humor dairy-fied ice cream sandwich. The consistency is light and airy, not chewy like some of the cheaper dairy versions. The chocolate-style wafers are chewy and full of flavor. Quite delicious all around. Now if I could actually find a 19 year-old and/or some nudes, I'll be set.

Review by Mr. Wonderful