mary-kateandashley magazine #1 (April/May 2001)
Mary-Kate Olsen, Ashley Olsen, & Robert Thorne, Editors-in-Chief

After coming up short searching local stores for any issue of Boy Crazy, I resorted to raiding the secret stash La Fée keeps in his desk. He must have moved them to another location, because again, I couldn't find them. What I did find was the premiere issue of mary-kateandashley magazine under a pile of dry, discarded pluot pits.

I want to say that these two girls have no business putting out a magazine, but that might call into question what business I have reviewing it. The brains behind this operation must have had this in mind, because the lead story on the cover is "Top 10 reasons we created a magazine." At first I copied the list and responded to each item, but it's really only reason #1 that matters: "Because we can."

You little money-hungry whores. Why don't you lord your fame over us peons a little longer? I'm sorry that my parents didn't engineer my life path ever since I took that first sweet post-vaginal breath of air. Your lives are a farce, your careers factitious, and your personalities so uninteresting that you need to read more of the LBOZ to understand exactly where you went wrong.

Ugh, this magazine is insipid. I could easily go on about all that's wrong with it, but really, you don't want to know. I would think this would be an easy, lighthearted read, but the more I delve in, the more horrible I feel.

Enough of this girl empowerment nonsense. Hey Olsen twins, what do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing you haven't already told her twice!

the finger

Review by Illusion Master