Beast Wrestling Federation
Slammin' Wrestling Hits (Beast 54582)

The art of the cash-in/knockoff album is not dead, folks, and my true feelings on the matter are far from clear. Though I had read in a rasslin' e-newsletter that the makers of Slammin' Wrestling Hits were gonna be hit by a World Wrestling Federation lawsuit, what made me pull the trigger on actually buying the damn thing was coincidentally discovering the CD later the same day in a Best Buy aisle, and seeing that the label was the one and only Beast Records.

Champions of "alternate universe," otherwise forgotten reissues (Junior Parker, yo), Beast Records' involvement immediately meant something marvellously dubious was afoot, and I wanted in on the action.

Besides, the possibility of the CD being recalled meant it could be sold for lofty prices meant potential easy profits on eBay, although in sharp reality, 1) it's never worth the hassle, 2) it'd be scathingly hypocritical for me to do that, 3) people aren't THAT miserably gullible … are they?

Sitting through an actual "official" album of wrestling themes would be a pretty trying experience. Sitting through an album's worth of knockoffs therefore depends on your level of overfamiliarity with the originals, as well as your ear for detail and level of cynicism.

Most likely cranked out in someone's home ADAT studio over a three-day period, the album does manage to get FAIRLY close ("fairly" used "fairly" loosely here) to the originals on a few tracks … though come to think of it, the originals were probably also recorded in some project studio as well. There's more sequencing and droning drum machine patterns than can be found than in an afternoon's worth of Fox Kids Club TV shows … given Beast's probable non-budget, it very well could have been recorded after hours in a Wal-Mart's "Electronics" section. Does this add any "charm?" I honestly can't say anymore.

Both the nWo & Stone Cold Steve Austin themes that kick off the CD rightfully serve as tip-offs to those expecting the "real McCoy" that the music on their Monday night TV's sounds peculiarly different.

The version of the "Dude Love" theme is probably as close to "close" as this disc gets, which is a bit of a surprise, due to the fake oddball falsetto voices throughout. Discerning the lyrics on the original is impossible enough, and sadly (?), the guy that transcribed 'em for this session was probably as baffled as I am.

"He's the king of the street/He's the king of the beat/He's a man." Guh? Did Mick Foley himself have these translated while on a tour of Japan, by chance?

The version of Mankind's theme raises the bafflement bar by two, as a voice which can (poorly) be described as a butch, slowed-down Andy Dick recites Mankind's soliloquy over synthesized-orchestral music ("And on the 8th day, God created Mankind …").

Strangely enough, the spoken introductions are omitted on the Val Venis and Al Snow themes, the former song being a lame "The Stripper"-esque catwalk with possibly THE sickliest sax synth patch ever; the latter a faceless techno track featuring fake crowd noise that quite possibly could have been lifted directly from Stage 2 of Pole Position '98: Tour America.

*Long pause* Yes, I know there's no such game, but at least it gives me a lame excuse to segue into how other tracks on this disc have very much a video-game-music feel, most notably Goldberg's theme ("Hit the damn start button already, Carl!," a father cries) … I could have sworn there was another part to that one.

It quickly dawns on you that there's really no need for any of these tracks to be more than 45 seconds long, as you're lucky to ever get to a "B" section or anything resembling a bridge on these themes.

So many contrasting feelings. Slight anger at Beast for misleading 7-year olds into spending hard-earned allowance money on pale imitations … hey, even at four years old, I could tell that wasn't John Sebastian singing "Welcome Back" on our Rock 76 8-track – although in turn, it's possible this somehow kept the kids from purchasing an Insane Clown Posse album.

Then, frustration seeps in when thinking of some rasslin' themes they should've wonderfully butchered: the Korn-esque anthem of Degeneration X … "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry's Isaac Hayes-cloned entrance music … even feelgood stadium rocker "Real American" for old school Hulk Hogan.

What, he hasn't used that music in HOW many years? Put me back in the hyperbaric oxygen chamber, kiddies. It's bad enough to willingly and consciously let myself get ripped off by buying this crap, but to still perversely enjoy it despite myself means I'm only foolin' myself.

Now, if someone did a ripoff of THIS disc, would I be even more confused, or more satisfied? Even the idea of it gets a blank stare at this point.

Loud Bassoon rating scale

Review by The Goodbye Guy