Van Halen
Van Halen III (Warner Bros. 46662)

David Lee Roth (the pre-eminent bombastic lead singer of the late 70s and early 80s, now balding) is gone. Sammy Hagar (the one-dimensional squealing twit who enthralls trailer America with his equally one-dimensional lyrics) is also gone. Who's next???

Unfortunately, it wasn't Cher. Instead, the guy from Extreme, Gary Cherone, steps up to classic rock's pulpit and pays homage to both singers without really developing his own identity. Which to be completely fair, is sad, because VH might have benefited from a little more of the angelic and unique "More Than Words" sound.

What happened, though, is that Van Halen III joined Extreme's Pornograffiti in the ranks of the most sold-back CDs in used-CD history.

"Neworld" is a nice look-Mom-what-we-composed-in-grade-school-music-class song. "Without You" is catchy, and the only place we hear the vocal arranging touches of producer Mike Post, whose talent is very sadly wasted here. Perhaps they should have opted to cover the "Hill Street Blues" theme while they had him in the studio. "One I Want" is lukewarm, with Eddie's guitar soaked in chorus effects.

"From Afar" is also slow, and probably not worthy of mention. Oh well. "Dirty Water Dog" hearkens back to the later, even suckier days of Sammy Hagar. "Once" tries to capture the cheesy passion and fire of "Right Now" (which successfully launched Crystal Pepsi into oblivion … way to go Sammy). I didn't like "Right Now" to begin with, and the song that rips it off makes even less of an impression.

"Fire in the Hole" is not bad, riff-heavy, and the way Van Halen is supposed to prolong their career. Big rock, big melody, big drums, and big big guitar solos, at last!!!

"Josephina" reminds us all why Van Halen are not known for sappy mellow ballads, and undoubtedly helped the band sell a lot of merchandise and/or nachos at concerts. "Year to the Day" comes next, and takes exactly one year to the day to be over. *YAWN*

"Primary" (not the Cure song, sadly … that might have been intriguing) is negligible, but allows Edward to show off another one of his nifty guitar effects, which I'm sure you can buy with his signature on it for just $1,500 at your local con-artist music store.

"Ballot or the Bullet" informs the public on the need to keep politics out of party rock bands. Wait … what is this? "How Many Say I???" Edward Van Halen sings? Um … I need this like I need an album of David Lee Roth guitar solos.

I admire the boys for keeping the flame alive in the much-needed absence of Sammy Hagar, but I believe in my heart they are capable of a hell of a lot more. Sadly, they seem relegated to the pathetic treadmill of "album/tour/hiatus" every year that continues to empty ampitheaters around the world. The tour was very, very good, but the new material, for the most part is very, very bad. Blame it on the cancer.

Loud Bassoon rating scale

Review by Casey Blick