Fall Football Preview! Tailgaters of the world, unite! It's time to dig in to the Astroturf and watch the cleat-feeted fleet-footers square off for another year of hot-yardage action. That's right, NFL fans, here come your favorite teams with some big changes that are sure to fire off the fire alarms and get your mojo rising—especially if you're last year's MVP "Mojo" Jojo Copernicus!
Contending for the crown will be last year's crown royals, the Wonder Years Winnies, relocated from Cincinatti and renamed from the Bengals since their Super Bowl victory in January. Managed by Danica McKellar—whose morbid self-obsession is fortunately backed up by her extreme football savvy—this is a team to watch. The matching haircuts will be distracting, and I don't know how the players will adjust to wearing the retro-60s prom dresses that McKellar has mandated as the new uniform, but on paper, they've got the stats to kill for real endzone thrills.
Perhaps their new digs at GKC Cinema Theatres Stadium will inspire the Georgia Wild Dog Crew (formerly the New England Patriots) to get tough and stay hungry. These boys are battling back from a losing round, and they look like they mean it. Team owner Ned Beatty (no relation to the actor) has an interesting new approach: letting the players carry knives. We'll see if this creates new meanings for the word "penalty!" Of course the sentimental favorite is the New York Blown Up World Trade Centers (formerly the Pittsburgh Steelers), who have made the controversial decision to give up their stadium rights and are playing in a replica of the burned-out rubble of Ground Zero just a few doors down from the original tragedy. This ought to make traffic in lower Manhattan an absolute nightmare on game days as spectators crowd around to watch the team take on rivals in the name of all the heroes who died to keep America free.
Now that the Vancouver Dirty Nellies have moved to South Vancouver, the ring is wide open for leader of the pack in the North Vancouver Belt. Will it be the Vans Shoes Vancouver Vans Shoes or the Vancouver Villainous Vagrants? (Obviously the Vancouver Va-Va-Vooms are not in contention, having moved to unincorporated Southeast Vancouver.) This football-crazed city has also recently debuted three new AA-league stadiums where you can catch the Vancouver VH1 Vee-Jays and the North Vancouver Valley Valley Girls. 🏇 Speaking of girls, the WNFL is off to another great start with triple-play action from the Big Three (the Billie Jean King West Virginias, the Chicago Woman Bears, and the Vancouver Vaginas). All three are undefeated in pre-season play, and they are sure to heat up the front burner when the new season starts. To make things more interesting, NBC will be broadcasting all WNFL games in their Thursday night prime-time slot, so get used to the 22-minute game format and hearing a laugh track during notable plays.
Finally, no discussion of professional football this year would be complete without mentioning the passing of NFL great Olias Josiah "O.J." Simpson, known to the masses as Joe Montana (no relation to Montana Joe Montana). His storied career in pro ball was a Cinderella tale full of triumph and tragedy, from his early days with the San Francsico '49 Dodge DeSotos to his last days coaching the tribute team Ram On: A Tribute to the Milwaukee McCartneys and the Los Angeles Rams for the NFL tribute league. Be sure to read his stirring final memoir of dealing with hair cancer, Fourth and Goal: A Memoir of Football and Dealing With Hair Cancer. 🏈 |