The Loud Bassoon Guide to Sport

World Series Recap: By the Numbers
by Jane Leggings

Whew! Now we can finally stop holding our breath to see who was going to win the World Series! That's right, the Anaheim Angina came through in the clutch to dwarf the San Francisco They Might Be Giants 4 games to 3. Each game featured many classic highlights that we'll be talking about for years to come. Here are some of the notable achievements and stats from the Big Crush this year.


• In the first at-bat of the series, Anaheim's Rolando "Amazing" Amazingo hits his 10,000th homer in as many games. The ball is later found at the base of the Eiffel Tower.

• Giants pitcher Wuhl Culberson strikes out former lover Brian Boyle, adding a touching personal bit of romantic pain to the exciting baseball action. • Anaheim manager Ozzy Smythe is busted for smoking marijuana while arguing with home plate umpire Joe "Diamond Joe" Diamond; Diamond is tipped off by Smythe's uncharacteristic giggling and entreaties to "just be cool." Interim manager Pepito "Little Joe" Littlejoe is busted later in the same inning for flinging feces into the crowd. It is the first time since 1967 that two managers are arrested during a World Series game.

•Back-up Anaheim manager Armando Poole barely escapes his own arrest when umpires catch him stealing quarters from teammate Hugo "Pepitone" Huguenaught's discarded uniform; stadium police are too busy trying to subdue "The Huge" from his PCP-driven nude romp through the outfield to proceed with Poole's arrest.


•Former Hall of Famer Peter G. Rose (no relation to Pete Rose) makes a token appearance in the first inning purely to be able to say he has played in six decades of baseball (he played for the Lakefront Lodgers from 1951-1963; the DuSable Dodgers from 1963-1971, and the Collinsville Codgers from 1972-1973; and subsequently made single-game appearances for the Florida State Flag in 1981 and the Canada Codgers in 1997, 2009, and 2013). Surprisingly, the 91-year old veteran hits his first career grand slam off hotshot pitcher Jose Llora's 310 mph superslider.

•Duke Temberton hits two consecutive home runs and is disqualified for taking two consecutive at-bats.

•The game is halted at the top of the ninth inning when an advertising blimp crashes into Del Taco Corp. Stadium; early fears of this being a terror attack are quickly allayed when the parachuting blimp pilot lands onto the pitcher's mound, clearly drunk and rambling about his ex-wife.


•For the first time in the history of America's pastime, a major league pitcher is ousted from the game because of curfew. 11-year-old phenom Jake Jooi, whose 1.12 ERA this season was one of the league's best, is forced to sit out the Big Show, and actually has to go to bed before the game ends. This is because the game goes into a staggering 171 extra innings and doesn't actually finish for three days.

•Bob Ruth, beloved slugger for both teams thanks to an ingeniously negotiated contract, suffers a massive heart attack after hitting his 15,000th career grand slam in as many at-bats. His death is so visceral that his soul can actually be seen leaving his body on the giant Trinitron screen.

•William "L'il Willie" Willioman strikes out ten consecutive batters to become the first pitcher without a head to strike out ten consecutive batters in the World Series.


•The Giants are sold on eBay and are forced to relocate to Dearborn, Michigan until it is discovered that both the sale and purchase are fraudulent and that the supposed new team owner is a 16-year-old nerd with a $15 weekly allowance.

•Topps, Inc. comes under fire for issuing a special game-day baseball card set erroneously printed with adult images intended for a card set being printed for an auto show. To remedy the error, all spectators are given free lap dances.

•Pete Rose (no relation to the other Pete Rose or to Peter G. Rose), the star shortstop with a heart of gold, wows the crowd with a stirring rendition of all eleven stanzas of "The Star Spangled Banner," clearly well-intended though bizarrely placed between the second and third batters at the top of the fifth inning.


•Anaheim comes from behind to take the lead in the series; later that night, Wuhl Culberson comes from behind to deliver some righteous bungilingus to his new lover, Baseball Commissioner Roy Royoro.

•Concessionaires at Holy Church of Eternal Dominion Stadium debut the SuperCornyDog, a three-foot-long, 10-inch-wide, 40-pound corndog that takes two people to hold up while a third eats it.

•Marcus "Marky Marko" Marcellus II becomes the first shortstop in a World Series game to have his dick pop out while stealing third. The famous "peek-a-boo" image is rushed into Topps' special "World Series Bloopers and Dick Shots" set, given away at the following game to the first 20,000 ladies.


• Hall of Famer Reggie Jackson throws out the first ball, inadvertently beaning a two-year-old girl in the head.

•Former President George W. Bush pitches four consecutive hitless innings before being slammed in the balls by a powerful line drive off the bat of Gregory "Power Greg" Beeyotch. He is replaced by yet another stunt pitcher, TV funnyman Sinbad.

•Sinbad pitches the rest of the game using a hilarious assortment of Wiffle balls, 16" softballs, rare historic autographed baseballs stolen from the Cooperstown museum, MadBalls, and water balloons.


•Just when it seems that the Giants are going to be victorious, Anaheim hits 12 consecutive home runs in the top of the ninth inning to tie the game 312-312. Unfortunately for the scorekeeper, a decision had been made to not display the score on the giant Trinitron screen, but instead to use an antiquated Little League scoreboard with hanging numerals. The Trinitron screen is instead used to show "Frasier."

•Doyle "Mustache" Beard becomes the first catcher to succumb to testicular cancer during the final game of the World Series when he is taken off life support at the bottom of the ninth inning and replaced with newcomer John "Japanese Johnny" Jin, formerly of the Japan Jar Jar Binkses.

•Celebrating their victory, Anaheim consumes more than 40,000 liters of 151-proof rum, enough to fill up five Olympic-style swimming pools or 10,000 super-fat winos.