The Ashlee Simpson Show (MTV)

Reality shows work on one of three premises:

1. Some kind of contest playing out the drama of unlikely participants vying for dream-fulfilling spoils.
2. Documentary-style depiction of everyday rigamarole, edited for heightened drama.
3. Personality-driven show banking on dramatic appeal of attractive and/or interesting would-be celebrity.

MTV's The Ashlee Simpson Show aims to follow in the footsteps of its Newlyweds, which fulfills Realty TV Premise #3 with amusing footage of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey enjoying the topsy-turvy world of young marriage. Simpson is winning enough as a dumb blonde, has big boobs, and can actually sing. Her younger sister Ashlee, though, is a fucking hideous monstrosity the likes of which this world has never known.

Adolf Hitler, Vlad the Impaler, Lizzie Borden … all of these pale in comparison to the morbid self-delusion of Ashlee Simpson, who believes herself entitled to fame, despite having no notable talent in any area (especially singing) and being uglier than a pockmarked ass.

Now, I don't care about someone's physical appearance, unless some TV show is trying to sell me on a misbegotten idea of sexiness when what exists in reality is yuckiness. Even more objectionable, though, is watching Ashlee's pursuit of a legitimate musical career, which in her mind probably ranks up there with Joan Jett and Tori Amos, but which actually comes in dead last in whatever race is won by Avril Lavigne and Lindsay Lohan.

Worst of all is that this is yet another heavily-hyped show that pumps out the idea that these young people with vaguely defined "dreams" of stardom ought to be given their shot … in Ashlee Simpson's case, especially, it couldn't be more transparent that all she has going for her is connections.

Isn't it time for a show where people with actual talent are given a shot at connecting it to the relevant industry? Ashlee Simpson writing songs with some LA also-rans will result in no Innervisions. Not that Ashlee Simpson has ever heard that record.

this shit blows

Loud Bassoon rating scale

Review by Jermaine Squeeze © 2004