the loud bassoon guide to television: who wants to give my little brother a handjob?

Who Wants to Give My Little Brother a Handjob? (syndicated)
2004-present

I'm sure this show started simply as a joke, but it has quickly become one of the creepiest contest shows ever made. Playing off the Who Wants to Marry My Dad idea wherein two well-intentioned daughters select the perfect match for their widowed dad, WWTGMLBAH substitutes the daughters with an 18-year-old stoner boy and the dad with his 12-year-old brother. Both brothers are complete Eminem-wannabe morons whose views on romance seem to have been shaped by Girls Gone Wild. The sad thing is, they actually get some pretty good looking women to compete for the prize.

Each episode features the standard routine of some sort of "challenge" followed by an elimination round. As the boys are not overly imaginative, the "challenges" consist of things like buying them beer, showing them their thongs, and belching as loud as possible. The brothers look like they're in heaven (which they probably are), and the women look either drunk or mortified.

Several of the elimination rounds were decided simply by women leaving the show in disgust; strangely, the five remaining women are (apart from a few herpes sores and/or apparent drug problems) not bad looking, for strippers (I assume). The fact that this kid is going to get whacked off by a gorgeous blonde is sickening and infuriating … yet kind of impressive, in a My Tutor-esque way. If this show is a hoax, it's a really perverse one; if it's real, then it's just a sad, sad statement on the future of our society.