Humans

Of all the dorkiest animals in the animal kingdom, humans are clearly the worst. Every time you look around there's a human doing something stupid, and even the brighter ones are utterly handicapped by thought, imagination, and desire, all of which they pride themselves on having. Give me a good ol' instinctual animal anyday, defecating where the mood strikes and getting food and sex however it needs to. If an instinctual animal sees fire, it runs away, while many humans in the same situation will lunge directly at the fire in either some kind of self-mutilating desperation, or some half-witted idea of heroism.

A real hero? A chimpanzee or a dolphin, I say. You'll never find pornography around a horse stable – that is, unless some human has put it there, or dare I say created it there. Humans are creatures of utter indulgence, capable of and famous for craving what is desirable over what is simply necessary or functional. You'll never see a dog refuse to eat generic-label dog food.

My biggest problem with humans is that as soon as one says its opinion, there's another one around to challenge it and neither knows what the hell they're talking about. This leads to humanity's laughable religions, governments, publications, and other miscellaneous foolishness. Every human I have ever met seems deeply scarred by some sort of emotional or physical trauma, yet doesn't do much about it beyond getting drunk. And none yet has demonstrated this "coolness" I hear so much about, as in the warrior-myth of The Fonz.

It wouldn't be so bad if humans didn't consider themselves to be the center of the universe. Frankly I'd rather talk to a cat because at least a cat's insincerity and condescension is on the table. No ulterior motives there – when a cat is done with you, it walks away.

Human selfishness is well-documented, and the singer Björk (who appears to be, but is not, human) has commented on the ridiculousness and baffling nature of human behavior. I won't even go into human psychosexual obsessions, uncleanliness, ugliness, mentality, or mutation. You'll never see a deer stalk someone he went to high school with, that's all I will say. In virtually every respect, humans are disappointing and unappealing creatures, and even the ones that create great art are total freaks. I can't wait to be called back to my planet of origin.

To their credit, some humans look awesome with no clothes on.

Review by Sean Lannen