Vampire Bats

A herd of bats once attacked a pack of angry Frankensteins in 1898, and saved a clump of Northern French villages in the process. Now, why people have this perennial fear of having a flapping vampire bat entangled in their hair is beyond my ability to understand. Vampire bats have sonar, babycakes, so the odds of them crashing into your head is small – unless they're completely enraptured by catching a flying beetle for dinner, and you have one in your hair, in which case, you've taken one for the team.

Odds are more likely, though, that you and your desperate hipster girlfriend were leaving a Carlsbad Caverns Halloween party dressed as David Coverdale and Tawny Kitaen when all this went down, so don't say you didn't deserve it, idiot. At the time, you thought that video was friggin' awesome cool, so enough with the ironic distancing. You along with everyone else would rather be listening to "Slow And Easy" rather than another four seconds of any random Bright Eyes track – admit it, poseur.

And please, stop cracking the same Michael Jackson jokes with your corpo co-workers. The man might be disturbed, true, but not as sick as you all are of your own dead-end lives.

Anytime vampire bats are featured on bat documentaries, they're always showing these insane close-ups of the bats, which appear to be shaking nervously like someone spilled Agent Orange in their coffee. Either the creature's got a serious jones at the moment for some cow's blood, or it's getting ready to morph back into a human, but has to wait until the camera's turned off else the legion's secret be exposed and the lid finally blown off of the worldwide vampire conspiracy.

Review by Alain Capperton