Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004)
Directed by Sara Sugarman
Written by Gail Parent & Dyan Sheldon

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen glorifies Lindsay Lohan to such an extreme that it seems like one of those pro-Hitler propaganda films produced by the Nazis. She's in every scene, she gets all the good lines, she gets to be funny, she gets to cry, she gets to sing, and she gets to try on dozens of cute outfits in a neverending stream of trying-on-clothes montages. Indeed, I began to suspect that Lohan had directed the thing herself.

But if this signifies the dawn of a new Thousand Year Reich with Lindsay Lohan as our new Hitler, then sign me up for SS duty, and let me usher a naked and emaciated Hilary Duff into the asphyxiation chambers of Auschwitz West (right outside of Malibu)! For this will be one fabulous reign of terror.

Lohan, who proved capable of holding her own against a top-form Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday, attempts here to establish herself as a boundlessly talented and eternally appealing performer, and she mostly succeeds. The story concerns Lohan moving from glizty New York City to suburban New Jersey with her no-bullshit mom (Glenne Headly) and younger twin siblings. Mortified by the change of scenery, which she perceives as a clear restraining bolt to her dreams of being a famous actress, Lindsay maintains her bubbleworld with a combination of undying self-belief and out-and-out delusion.

Encouraged by her drama teacher (Carol Kane, with even further incomprehensible speech and alarmingly disgusting teeth), our girl gets the lead in the school musical (an updated Pygmalion by way of My Fair Lady, titled Eliza Rocks!) and stands up to the many social challenges posed by the popular kids, while helping her wallflower new-best-friend (Alison Pill, whose eyes are unnervingly small and close together) dare to be different.

I'm not sure whether the main plot concerned the school musical or Lohan's attempt to crash a rock concert by her favorite band (The Sid Arthurs) and meet the lead singer (her idol), but of course, she succeeds at both, beyond her wildest expectations, by having faith in her individuality and always wearing cute outfits.

There's a lot of fluff to it, and it's about 25 minutes too long, but it's as energetic as an aerobics video, and the clothes are about as tight-fitting. By the end, you have to suspend whatever disbelief you have left to accept the transformation of the school play into a flashy Moulin Rouge hipness-fest complete with laptop-musician orchestra, but then, if you went into this expecting something real, you're more deluded than our spunky new Führer.

I can't decide what I'm looking forward to more—the theatrical Olsen Twins™ movie New York Minute (for which there was a trailer before Drama Queen), or the inevitable R-rated phase of Lindsay Lohan's career … Disney® can't keep those remarkable boobs in her shirt for long!

Review by La Fée