 Die Another Day (2002) You'd think by now they'd have all the kinks worked out in making a James Bond movie, but instead, they just bank on the fact that most people are familiar enough with the running in-jokes that they'll actually forget that no one ever really likes these films. Bond will always say "Bond. James Bond." Bond will always get a martini "shaken, not stirred." The female characters will be named after their own genitalia. The villains will be debonair and yet sociopathic. There will be a gadget sequence. There will be a lot of explosions. None of this stuff is remotely interesting anymore. This time around, Bond is after a genetically-modified superhuman who has built a satellite laser gun capable of training the sun's powerful rays upon the earth to wreak havoc. His mission takes him to North Korea, Cuba, and London (they even resort to using "London Calling"—didn't that Amanda Bynes movie do the same thing?). Halle Berry puts in probably the worst performance of the bunch, and Pierce Brosnan doesn't seem very interested in the proceedings. Rick Yune is a fairly cool henchman (a la "Jaws"), with a diamond-studded face, and Rosamund Pike is extremely sexy in an extremely British sort of way (I'm not sure what the compliment was there). John Cleese is great, but only has about ten seconds of screen time, and Michael Madsen doesn't need to be in this at all (or anything else, for that matter). Madonna offers up a limp cameo to match her other contribution, that is, the worst Bond theme song of all. Shit, even a-ha rose to the challenge, girl! The gene-splicing shit is interesting, as is an extended sequence wherein Bond is held captive and tortured for 18 months, emerging with long hair and a beard—this Bond I would like to see more of. They should have him go evil for a film, just to mix things up. But the film falls apart with the introduction of an invisible Aston Martin, into which the entire special effects budget appears to have been sunk. For about thirty seconds of CGI thrills, the rest of the movie has to compromise with incredibly low-rent props. In one scene, Bond has to break into a secret compound, and when faced with a chain-link fence, does he pull out some kind of laser saw or something? No, he literally produces a pair of wire cutters and begins snipping away. What a total embarrassment all around. Hopefully for the next one, they'll turn Bond evil and replace Brosnan with, like, Anthony Michael Hall. That's the Bond I really want to see.
Review by Charles E. Cheese |