Do Not Disturb (1999)
Written and directed by Dick Maas

This would-be thriller is so absurdly clichéd and unmemorable that I kept watching for some kind of indication that it was actually trying to be horrible. William Hurt and Jennifer Tilly play a couple traveling to Amsterdam on business, but their mute daughter ends up witnessing a mob hit, putting the family in peril. They go on the run from the criminals; the police are hot on the trail; etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Not only has the plot been done many times before (at this point, it wouldn't suffice for a substandard episode of "Third Watch"), but the dialogue actually makes it seem even less original. Every line is pure exposition, the actors don't look at each other, and no one seems interested in putting forth any effort. It's not surprising for Jennifer Tilly to suck ass, but William Hurt's mush-mouthed performance is impossible to understand either in terms of intent or simple coherence. He may have been attempting a Southern accent, but it sounded like his craw was crammed with chewing tobacco.

For something so bad, the film managed to attract some well-known actors (Denis Leary and Michael Chiklis also appear; Chiklis is so comically un-menacing as one of the criminals that it seems he's reprising his role as Curly in that Three Stooges movie). I suppose everyone just wanted a free trip to Amsterdam. What, is Hollywood out of hashish?

Review by Ed Paley