 The Newton Boys (1998) Matthew McConaughey "stars" as Willis Newton, the piss and vinegar behind a gang of four brothers (McConaughey, Ethan Hawke, Skeet Ulrich and Vincent D'Onofrio) and a safe-cracker who decide to rob every bank in tarnation. This based-on-a-true-story story follows the brothers from their humble beginnings raising horses or something, to their first tentative bank robberies, and on to increasingly more daring exploits until they attempt to haul off the largest pile of loot ever loaded onto a steam train. They're caught and put on trial and sent to prison. Did I spoil the movie for you, you freaking baby? Get on with your miserable life, it's the freaking Newton Boys! Why, if I had my druthers, why I'd take a long satisfying crap on every bleeding copy of this bleeding piece of bleeding crap film, then drop the bleeding A-bomb on them and throw Matthew bleeding McConaughey into a burning building and watch! Then I'd feed his charred corpse to Ethan Hawke and Skeet Ulrich and make them eat their own freaking vomit afterwards, and then thrown THEM into a burning building, consarnit! Then I'd take their charred corpses and feed them to a bunch of zoo animals and burn down the god-damn bleeding zoo with all the animals and zoologists inside screaming and dying! Then I'd drop an A-bomb on my own bleeding head so I'd never have to even think about this god-bleeding-damn movie again as long as I freaking live! Ahem. During the credits they ran clip of the real live Willis Newton being interviewed by "Johnny Carson." It was a thrill to see the "Master" in action again, after so many years of those bleeding idiots Letterman and Leno, and it was the best part of the film. Actually the best part of the film is when the stewardess turned the goddamn thing off and I grabbed the video and jammed it down her throat, screaming, "Eat this you motherfucker!!!!" Ahem. McConaughey is a bad freaking actor, plain and simple. The fact that everyone outside Hollywood recognizes it only makes me all the angrier at people like Spielberg who insist on casting him. I read an article where McConaughey admits to traveling the country in a freaking van that has a freaking hole in the bottom in case he or his friends need to take a number one!! This has to be the stupidest bleeding thing I've ever heard!!! Buy a bleeding Winnebago, you bleeding idiot! You're a bleeding millionaire!!!!! Ahem. Not only was the movie so bad that I began projectile vomiting all over the inside of the plane, but it now costs five bleeding dollars for the so-called privilege of watching a movie on a tiny screen twenty feet away while the various refugees on our flight slaughtered and cooked livestock directly in our way and the overhead luggage compartments kept dumping pianos and anvils on our heads. I'm seriously debating whether to kill myself after watching this gobshite. Julianna Margulies puts in a passable performance, although she might as well have sliced her face with razors as performance art for all the good she did this ungodly "movie." It was a waste of talent and time, and it makes me mad to think she even suspected it might be a good movie. Vincent D'Onofrio I can kind of forgive. He plays a minor character, and he's the new Gene Hackman, working in everything, good and bad, and he always gives it the old college try. Even so, these performances hardly save the day. Someday I may find a movie somehow worse than The Newton Boys, but it's not bleeding likely. Oh wait, then I saw Krippendorf's Tribe.
Review by Crimedog |
