 Teaching Mrs. Tingle (1999) Well, the word of mouth must have been accurate, because the smart people stayed away, while I, excited to see a film—any film—at Mann's, sat through while the horrifying bullshit unfolded before me. Imagine all the puckered wrongheadedness of "Dawson's Creek" with none of the likability of Scream and you begin to approach the calamity of it all. Indeed, another nail in Kevin Williamson's coffin. It's too bad, because I want to think that Kevin Williamson is brilliant, mainly because of my fiercely pro-gay bias, but Teaching Mrs. Tingle is as badly done as any film I've ever seen, with only a few tiny saving graces which prevented me from walking out. The film plays like a screenplay—it's like watching a bunch of semi-famous people rehearse a bad screenplay, and a first draft at that. The dialogue is full of the lame pop-cultural references that Williamson seems to think pepper kids' actual speech in real life (note to KW: recent studies have proven that only 0.02% of the teenage population indulges in "meaningful" film references), not to mention wildly overdramatic lines like "If you're disillusioned with the youth of today, you have no one to blame but yourself!" A character actually says that line. This caused me and PUP to burst into laughter, one of the only times that happened despite many attempts by the film to be "humorous." One particularly bad example is an embarrassing sequence wherein one of the characters (played by Marisa Coughlan) reenacts a climactic sequence from The Exorcist, which is not only out of context, but awkward and unfunny as well. Not to mention that I would be surprised if more than 500 people currently under the age of 18 have ever seen that movie. The extremely contrived plot concerns three teenagers (Katie Holmes, "Seventh Heaven's" Barry Watson, and the aforementioned Coughlan) taking their one-dimensionally evil teacher (Helen Mirren) hostage after Holmes's scholarship is jeopardized when a grade given by Mrs. Tingle compromises Holmes's valedictorian status. First off, there's no way a valedictory ranking would boil down to one assignment in one class; secondly, even someone who ranked #2 in their graduating class would have no trouble getting grant money or at least loans; thirdly, what a stupid fucking movie. The entire point around which the movie hinges is beyond even a generous suspension of disbelief. Throw in limp dialogue, poorly drawn characters with maybe one simple motivation each, and ultra-contrived scenarios (at one point Katie Holmes goes downstairs to have sex with Barry Watson immediately after Mrs. Tingle insinuates that she's too scared too—typical high school virgin, throwing it all away just to prove her teacher wrong). My god, what a stupid movie. Even the presence of Jeffrey Tambor can't salvage this mess, though he does get a full-on screen kiss with hunky Barry Watson, which should appeal to—um, well, I'm not sure who that appeals to exactly. Helen Mirren is very good in a very badly written role, and she has given me and PUP a new catch phrase: "Your move!" In the film she says this to goad the kids on to make a fatal error, as though the hostage situation were a grand chess game. PUP and I use it more like a gay butler encouraging the houseboy to go down on him. "Your move!" Smaller roles by Michael McKean and Vivica A. Fox are wasted, and the presence of Molly Ringwald in a glorified cameo is dubious at best. The film is about as fun as getting your head kicked in, with about the same potential for long-term brain damage. Scream was a fluke, everything else Kevin Williamson has done has sucked, even despite his homosexuality, which theoretically should give him more credibility. Points awarded, however, for excessively tight clothing all around, a brave shot of Helen Mirren's cleavage, and Jeffrey Tambor asking to be spanked. I can't say I regret seeing Teaching Mrs. Tingle, especially since I can offer myself as a sacrifice so no one else will have to endure the misery. It's not the kind of bad that becomes good after awhile because it's so bad. It's just bad. Christ, I have to stop because I'm just getting angrier and angrier. "Your move!"
Review by Patsy Poodle |