The Transporter (2002)
Directed by Corey Yuen
Written by Luc Besson & Robert Mark Kamen

If this film was not a "USA Original Movie," I'd be extremely suprised. As I saw it on a plane, I will never know for sure. But it certain as hell looked and felt like a USA Original Movie.

It's almost as if some programming executive saw xXx and said: "Hey, WE need us one of those! Get us the cheapest bald guy you can find with washboard abs!!!!"

On the other hand, especially on a long flight, you can't really complain about a movie that starts with a 20-minute car chase. In fact, I'd estimate that fully 40% of the movie was comprised of car chases, with another 40% devoted to explosions and the remaining 20% given to people pointing guns at each other.

Some notes I jotted down:

• Cop runs out of bullets; throws hat on the ground in frustration

• Am I watching a feature-length commercial for BMW?

• Enemies for hero to fight off appear out of nowhere

• Hero has inexplicably lost his shirt

Favorite lines:

"You're very precise."
"Transportation is a precise business."
And:
"Computers know everything—you just need a password."
Egad, I've already spent more energy writing this review than anyone involved with the film put into its production. If xXx is "Space Invaders," The Transporter is the lame handheld version called "Galactic Attack" or some shit like that, that your clueless mom gave to you for Christmas '82.

Review by Brian Kibbleton