 | 1. French
French
baguettes are perfect for sandwiches, or can simply be consumed, loaf by loaf, by themselves. Crisp
but not tough, sweet yet not without spice, a good baguette is a delight
forever, much more so than, say, a diamond, or a benevolent vampire. (?) Try a slice with a swipe of creamy butter or soft cheese … you'll soon see why those 1,20-pound shut-ins can eat like 12 loaves a day.
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 | 2. Pumpernickel
Perhaps the bread world's meatiest character, dark rye is one of the
all-time best sandwich breads, and certainly one of the most unique
breads ever devised. Sweet, hearty, and highly satisfying, dark rye
ought be much more popular than it is. Why do you think most people shy away from pumpernickel? Because they a bunch of fucking racists.
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 | 3. Sourdough
The sweet tang of sourdough bread is a marvel in the world of human tastebud
experience. Whoever discovered that deliciousness often lies just short
of rancidity deserves a place in the bread hall of fame. Mmm … now there's
a place I would frequently visit, jealously sniffling the various aromas
as they wafted through the hallways … as long as they didn't get "cute" and
start playing the group "Bread" over the sound system.
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 | 4. Hawaiian
Best enjoyed in dinner roll form, Hawaiian bread is also very delectable
in slices or as pita. Its soft texture and golden brown sheen remind me
of the Hawaiian peoples themselves, smiling and laughing as they dance
around the fire. I won't tell you what the sweet, subtle pineapple
flavor reminds me of. OK, you wore me down … it's semen.
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 | 5. Jewish Rye
More posh than classic rye,
thinly-sliced Jewish rye is the Jewiest. It's best experienced toasted, and blends very
well with mustard (especially any Dijon variety). While unseeded Jewish rye is undoubtedly delicious, the additional zing
of the seeded version is far preferable. Leave it to the Jews
to know their bread. Just what do I mean by that, exactly? Fuck if I know.
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 | 6. Cinnamon Raisin
Cinnamon, of course, could help make a good bread out of bug excrement, but
when paired with raisins, you've got a partnership that always works, like
Korman and Conway. Sliced cinnamon raisin bread makes fantastic toast,
ambitious sandwiches, and unbeatable bagels. And while
bread purists might laugh it off as "candy," lots of bread die-hards I know
won't go a day without it. Come on, bread die-hards, let's take on those haughty bread purists! Hello?
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 | 7. Banana Nut
One of the most truly hearty breads one will ever encounter, banana nut
bread is moist, sweet, crunchy, and always delicious. A longtime staple
of home economics classics, this time-tested standby is now most
frequently enjoyed by the mainstream through muffins. Certified as classic bread by the Classic Bread Council in Classic Bread, Virginia.(?)
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 | 8. Carrot
Perhaps most appropriately served as a cake, carrot in just about any of its many breaded forms is a taste
sensation. Sliced, muffined, or caked, carrot bread isn't just for
rabbits anymore. Um, not that it ever was for rabbits, really. *Sigh* Look, get off my back, asshole, it's not like you're paying for this.
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 | 9. Flour Tortilla
In terms of all-purpose usefullness, the simplicity and efficiency of the classic flour tortilla is hard to beat. Tacos, burritos,
enchiladas, and even pizzas can be made with tortillas. Not to mention wraps, roll-ups, and tortilla-in-a-tortillas! Sure, corn tortillas are excellent too but, we feel compelled to single out the flour
for its unheralded greatness. Truly a marvel of the Mexican culture,
which was most likely simply too lazy to leaven the bread.
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 | 10. Cracked Wheat
Most any wheat bread is great, but cracked wheat may be the best of the
wheat bread family – and this is one functional family! It's a glorious crossroads where nutrition and
flavor intersect. And the dense texture is as satisfying as 7-Grain, without all the showboating. Fuck you, 7-Grain! You fucking showboat!
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 | 11. Whole Wheat Pita
Pita, in general, does not get its praises sung frequently enough, so
it's a pleasure to name it to our list. The whole wheat variety is
tasty, but ultimately it's the bizarre concept of pita bread itself that
makes it a winner. Bread you can stuff … pure genius. Them Greeks know a thing or two about stuffing stuff into other stuff.
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 | 12. Garlic Bread
The sight of someone walking toward you with a two-foot-long loaf of french bread will bring a smile to
anyone's face, be they two, or two hundred and twenty-two. 'Cause you know there's garlic bread comin' your way! What person with even half a heart doesn't want some hot garlic bread? Fucking no one doesn't want some garlic bread, that's who. Shit man, if French Baguette is the secret identity, garlic bread's the superhero. I done tole you so.
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 | 13. Pumpkin
More of a cake than a daily bread with any real utility, pumpkin
bread is quite simply a real treat in any context. Whether sliced from a
freshly-baked loaf or gobbled up as a morning muffin, pumpkin is a seasonal joy
that ought to be thought of year-round. Much like egg nog, which I drink every single night of the year, mainly for its hallucinogenic qualities once you get past the second gallon.
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 | 14. Cornbread
Show me a man who doesn't like cornbread and I'll show you a kick in the nuts. For both of you. Him, for not liking cornbread, and you for introducing him to me. Cornbread is right up there with jazz, doing the dozens, and deadbeat fathers, in terms of what … oh wait, cornbread was more of a Native American creation? Well then, "How!," Kemosabe!
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 | 15. Gingerbread
How many breads can you actually construct a house from? Not fucking many, I'll tell you that. I once tried building a house out of paella, and all that was, was basically just a big oozy pile of paella. That's no way to live! And while gingerbread isn't the kind of bread you can really eat on a daily basis – indeed, even Santa Claus gets fucking sick of it after awhile – you just can't really criticize a bread that's smiling back at you. When was the last time piece of fucking zucchini bread smiled at you? Fucking never, that's when.
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