Dragon Fire Hot Imperial Cinnamon Gum

Though Dragons are not particularly known for their fresh breath, it makes sense that someone would think of trying to harvest the awesome flame-shooting power into a consumer-oriented gum that allows you to scorch away offensive bacteria like so many smited Hobbits.

Dragon Fire Hot Imperial Cinnamon Gum packs a wallop of a punch, setting your mouth aflame with deep, treasure-hoarding taste and fearsome strength that lasts seeming centuries. The pleasingly meteoric gum pellet is soft and welcoming, like the scaly underbelly of a dragon if you can get close enough to stroke its flesh. And it comes in a protective tin, similar to a shoe-shine dispenser, that is much like the armor you would need to accomplish such a feat.

The effect is like dipping a flaming cinnamon toothpick into your mouth, minus the charred gumline and splintered tongue. It's a triumphant return for the Chinese Empire, which, with one billion people under its command, is wisely choosing to take on the national bad breath problem head-on, once and for all. Hopefully the British won't try to come out with a similar product … their brand of imperialism didn't work the first time around, and at any rate, we know they're hopeless in countering bad breath. John Major's mouth is as festering a cesspool as Manchester's most horrific toilet. By contrast, Dragon Fire is a Great Wall of defense against such social impropriety.

Review by Jamaal Minor