Milka Bubbly

As a big, big fan of the long-forgotten American Choco-Lite bar and its European equivalent Aero, I'm sure I would have immediately snapped up a Milka Bubbly had I randomly encountered it at the grocery store. What's not to like about chocolate filled with bubbles? It's like a champagne dream without having to waste any of your remaining caviar wishes! Say, was Robin Leach always a djin, or did he only become one in death?

Anyhoo, I wasn't even aware that Milka Bubbly existed until I saw the latest in their long string of weird commercials. They should really consider making ads specifically for the US market, because the European ones don't translate at all.

In this one, a man tries in vain to satisfy his "greedy pig" of a wife (NOT my words—she is literally labeled that with on-screen text) in the bedroom, only to, shall we say, "come up short" time and again. Just as she's about to leave him for their more virile neighbor Møülm, he takes a bite of the Milka Bubbly he was saving as an aphrodisiac, and a light bulb goes off.

He dashes to the garage, digs out his old penis pump from a box of mementos, and furiously pumps himself erect. The aerated alpine milk chocolate reminded him he could aerate his way back into masculinity!

Unfortunately, when he returns to the bedroom, as expected, there's old Møülm in bed with his wife … and they've finished his Milka! But rather than get down about it, he's "bubbly"—so he jumps right in and fucks Møülm right in the B-hole! It's a fairly long commercial, come to think of it.

Review by Pumboo Dongo-Dohnoh