If you ever want to shut me up, get something from me, or even blackmail me, I think all it would take would be a box of Whoppers®. You just give me a box of Whoppers® and watch as I slowly stop paying attention to anything else.

"The Original Malted Milk Balls" are a delicious blend of malted milk and chocolate, which is one of my favorite flavor combinations, like cranberry and granola, coconut and almonds, or whipped cream and punani. Whoppers® are a junky indulgence that make no pretense to being anything but gluttonous, wonderful candy like back in the old days, when candy was not just for fuckin' babies, and when one would gladly take candy from a fuckin' baby.

Testament to the addictiveness of Whoppers® is that they actually are available in milk-carton form. For this review, I got a king-size box, which was way too much, and I ended up with a stomach ache like it was Halloween. But really, that's why I love Whoppers® – more than any other candy, they make me feel like a child. Sure, that's not all that difficult seeing as I am an "adult child" with an IQ of 30, but even so, these are magical little balls.

I'll refrain from making a "balls" joke and just go back to what I was doing before, shining my shiny new quarter that the nice man gave me just for taking some pictures of me without my bottoms on.

Review by Farting Dracula