Arrowhead Mills Amaranth Flakes

Unlike that cocksucker Crimedog, whose fear and misunderstanding of ancient grains has led to a great rift between the Loud Bassoon and the organic food world (see the 'Dog's misguided review of Nature's Path Heritage O's), I proudly wave the flag for good healthy eatin' and organic ingredients.

Yes, I realize that I'm the same reviewer who has written literally dozens of candy bar reviews, not to mention the artery-clogging number of ice cream reviews, but in theory, at least, I am quite health conscious. Actually, I'm not sure what I believe anymore. I've adopted so many writing personae that I cam no longer confirm that I am not, in fact, a 1,900 pound woman and/or an incarcerated pedophile.

Well, illusion is good, right? Just ask Doug Henning.

At this point I may as well actually review the cereal I intended to start reviewing however many hundreds of words ago. Arrowhead Mills Amaranth Flakes is not the sort of cereal I would normally go out and buy, primarily because these super-healthy cereals tend to be kind of expensive, and since I already outspend my income by a factor of at least 270% (mainly on comic books and forties), I have to curb extravagances like groceries.

I happened into a box of Amaranth Flakes when my day-job officemate suddenly discovered she was allergic to nearly everything she normally ate. The following day she gave me all her now unusable food, including this cereal.

Amaranth is interesting in that it essentially disappeared for 400 years only to be brought back by modern scientists. And it's like I've always said, anything that originates with Aztec warriors and ends with an unexpected confluence of mad scientists and vegetarians is definitely something to be down with (see also my newest screenplay, Whole Foods Cinema Presents Montezuma II vs. The Mad Scientist in Portland).

It's quite good (the cereal I mean, not the screenplay, which is, out-and-out, a piece of horseshit), a bit sweet, full of fiber and protein, free of wheat and dairy, and ultimately satisfying for my half-assed health nut soul.

I should add that the particular bowl that I ate for this review was sadly tainted by some rancid-ass soymilk that I think had been in the refrigerator for a good four or five weeks. I spent the next two days hallucinating, but that's another story.

Review by Suzie On Sunday