Post Grape-Nuts O's

Grape-Nuts O's look like Cheerios that have arthritis, meaning that they're round but kind of gnarled-looking, which I suppose has something to do with the "image" of Grape-Nuts in general.

Not that they are meant for old people with arthritis, but that they look kind of hand-made, unlike Cheerios, which in their perfect roundness appear to have been extruded from some incredible interplanetary Cheerio-machine. I imagine this machine as something very huge and imposing and black, with tons of accordion-like bellows, steam pipes, and whistles blowing, all of which converge on a long conveyor belt underneath a giant cone that descends to the belt each time to deliver a single, perfectly formed Cheerio, each of which is inspected by metallic-skinned aliens in clean suits with giant magnifying monocles, overseen by an extremely tall, thin, and very evil character who laughs every time he sends one of the disposable aliens down the garbage chute for letting an imperfect Cheerio escape its attention.

The big difference between Cheerios and Grape-Nuts O's, apart from appearance, is the flavor. Where Cheerios are bland, Grape-Nuts O's are sweet, very sweet. The box even says they're "baked with a touch of brown sugar," which Cheerios are very clearly not. Mr. Tall Evil Laughing Character wouldn't let any brown sugar into the Cheerios factory, not since the aliens got into the brown sugar and started making love in it, tainting the entire batch and shutting down production for hours on end.

Besides being sweet, Grape-Nuts O's are also very, very crunchy and have a tendency to not get soggy at all in milk, which in my opinion is a serious problem. Part of the joy of a perfect bowl of cereal is the end part when the cereal soaks up the leftover milk. Such is not the case with Grape-Nuts O's, which are crunchy to the point of literal insanity. They're so loud when you crunch down on them that it sounds like a thousand paper cranes taking off into the air, chasing the soul of a little girl who died of cancer after the bombing of Nagasaki. That's how frickin' crunchy they are. However, they are delectable in terms of their taste, so despite the overly-enthusiastic crunch, they are downright irresistible.

They also hurt the roof of your mouth, but like anything that's good, sometimes there's also something bad in exchange. Like bombing Nagasaki – sure, you win the war, but then there's all those dead little girls and thousands upon thousands of paper cranes.

Review by Crimedog