Doritos® Ultimate Cheddar

Yimtom Parmarimeaanim eagerly opened the bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos® he had purchased at the commissary. "I've always wanted to try these!" he thought to himself.

He extracted a chip from the bag and took a bite. Instantly enraged, he spat out the soggy, chewed-up masa and threw the bag to the ground, angrily stomping on it until the chips were in smithereens.

"TOO GOD DAMN SPICY!" he bellowed. He picked up the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos® he had purchased as a backup. A similar scene ensued. This time he ate two chips, got twice as mad, and destroyed the chips twice as violently. "TOO GOD DAMN TANGY!" he shrieked.

Just then, he remembered the third bag of Doritos® he'd purchased earlier … Ultimate Cheddar. With everyone around him on tenterhooks, he opened the bag and ate a chip.

Then another.

And another.

He went ahead and ate the remainder, then licked his fingers clean with five puckered smooches. "I GUESS THESE ARE MY GOD DAMN PREFERENCE!" he whooped.

"Well, what'd'ya know?" said one onlooker to another. "Ol' Yimtom likes 'em cheesy, but not super flavorful."

"Aw, who cares," said the other onlooker. "That motherfucker is a god damn rapist and everyone knows it."

Within twelve hours, Yimtom was canceled.

Review by Wimpempy Tarlisle