Ben & Jerry's Phish Food

Like any given jam by the band for which it is named, Phish Food is dense, incoherent, overlong, and beloved by perhaps the ugliest fan base of all time.

Of course, none of that is necessarily true, nor does it really make any sense, but it sure sounded like a zinger. At this point, the Loud Bassoon formula has become such that all I have to do is plug a few words into a predetermined string of phrases, and then comment on the process itself, finishing up with a scatological remark, and voila, instant review. For example:

"Like any given jam by the band for which it is named, Phish Food is dense, incoherent, overlong, and beloved by perhaps the ugliest fan base of all time. Of course, none of that is necessarily true, nor does it really make any sense, but it sure sounded like a zinger. At this point, the Loud Bassoon formula has become such that all I have to do is plug a few words into a predetermined string of phrases, and then comment on the process itself, finishing up with a scatological remark, and voila, instant review. Now excuse me while I go poo in bed."

Another great ploy is to cut and paste the same text and simply repeat what you've already said, much like in Teletubbies when they show a clip, then show it again.

By now you may be wondering what my journalistic credentials are, whether or not there is even an editor for this website, and whether I am actually going to talk about the ice cream I am reviewing. Personally, I like to wait at least 200 words before getting into any actual review content, to weed out those who "just don't get it." Pure integrity is the total alienation of your readership; that's my motto.

At any rate, this is not one of the best Ben & Jerry's flavors – a fairly unsubtle blend of chocolate ice cream, caramel, faux-marshmallow goo, and fish-shaped fudge chunks – but I would think it makes excellent munchie food for pot smoking potsmokers. It's kind of rich, not in a great way, and moreso than most ice creams, it makes you very thirsty.

Perhaps that is meant to replicate the bong experience, which is unnecessary since the real bong experience probably precedes consumption of 95% of all Phish Food pints.

Still, no Ben & Jerry's flavor is bad (except for possibly the ill-conceived Acne Sorbet), so certainly don't refuse this if it is offered. Don't refuse the pot that will inevitably follow, either. That "say no to drugs" thing is so 20th Century.

Review by Teensy Weensy