Ben & Jerry's Southern Pecan Pie

Ben & Jerry's has produced many delicious concoctions, but few genuine masterworks – this delicious concoction of brown sugar, pecans, caramel, and crumbles of pecan pie is one of those. Southern Pecan Pie takes me back to my Capote-esque youth, when mama would leave a hot pecan pie on the windowsill to cool, and we all would take turns burrowing our fist into the pie searching for the dead rat mama would bake into it as a surprise.

Jesus Christ, can I for once do ONE godforsaken review without throwing that crap in? My determination to write ever more unpleasantly in the context of these supposedly "practical" consumer-information reviews is getting seriously out of hand.

What's more, my childhood was hardly "Capote-esque." For one thing, I was not raised in the south, for another, I was viciously beaten with a wire whisk by the vicar every night until I left the orphanage at age 19.

So, getting back to the supposed review here, I am pleased to declare Southern Pecan Pie one of B&J's finest creations ever. Subtle, smooth, comforting, and supremely tempting, as any good B&J flavor should be. The brown sugar is clearly the key, and leaves me asking "How come you taste so good?"

I should point out that consuming an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's gives you more calories and fat than you need in one day, and sure ain't gonna help your gargantuan thighs, fattie. But consumed responsibly (that would be approximately two spoonfuls a night) it is not too destructive. Certainly not as destructive as two thousand lashes across the face with a wire whisk. It's no wonder I eat so much ice cream, seeing as my teeth are long gone and my jawbone is now essentially made of surgical rubber.

Review by Gay Diamond