Soy Delicious™ Mint Marble Fudge

I'm usually the one around here who tries to spin opinion on my pet stuff so that everyone starts seeing the world my way; this makes it much easier for me to accomplish things like getting five wives, stockpiling guns, and that sort of thing.

I fiercely decry conventional wisdom, knock down old warhorses, and brashly posit new philosophies to be adopted and new idols to be worshipped. I tear down the Sgt. Peppers and boldly champion the Rams. (In both cases I am talking about American football, referencing the San Diego Sgt. Peppers and the Barrow Rams.)

If someone says that Taco Bell is king, I step in on the side of Del Taco. I raise my fist of militancy for those who are counted out, for the ones who have no voice! I am the contrarian purist, speaking out for all that no one is paying enough attention to, until they do start paying attention, and then I'm on to something else and reflexively calling everyone a charlatan for enjoying what I turned them onto.

And so it is that I turn from a wicked submersion in endless pints of Ben & Jerry's to a purer lifestyle, bathed in light, free of animal products. I hold up this mighty carton of Soy Delicious Mint Marble Fudge so you can behold its goodness and feel its radiant aura of righteousness. I tell you: there is NO better ice cream.

Except I'm kind of lying. Of course in my dark and secret heart I wish I were still eating Ben & Jerry's. But for an alternative, Soy Delicious is nutritionally amazing and very nearly holds its own in taste. Sure, it's not as indulgent as Ben & Jerry's products are, but that's the whole point: in this new purer lifestyle, there is no need for indulgence. Just subtle, Zen-like bliss.

God, I better stop now. I thought I was setting this review up for some kind of glorious, hilarious denouement, but I seem to have alienated even myself with all that faux pomposity. Anyway, this is a decent enough frozen dessert, minty and fudgy. Have some, it's good for your heart and soul in a way that Huey Lewis never was.

Review by Eulander Coxum