 Charleston Chew – Vanilla "Let's make a candy bar that's REAALLLLY chewy," says the first confectioner. "How chewy, like Three Musketeers chewy?" replies the second. "No, no, I'm talking REEEEEEEEAAAAALLLYYY chewwy," insists the first one. The second one pauses for a moment and says, "Whoa, as in Tootsie Roll chewy?" "Fuck that!" screams the first confectioner. "That shit is in the past! I'm talking REEEEEELLLELELLAAAAAYYRRRYYYY chewwwyyyycyyyy! So chewwwwwwwwwwwwwwy that you can barelye even chew it! What do you think about that, Dr. Horseshit?" "Well, jesus christ man, I don't see why you have to get abusive," whimpers the second confectioner, "I think we can easily make a candy bar that is as chewy as you describe. What I envision is a tough vanilla nougat covered in a crackly thin coat of hard chocolate – something people can really sink their teeth into, like your wife did last night into my hot spermy cock! At this the first confectioner was both intrigued and enraged, and motioned as if to strike his partner. "I ought to pound your fucking fat mouth, you incorrigible jackass," he says, "However, there is candy making to be done."
After several hours, they had come up with exactly the blend they were seeking. They bit into bar after bar and concluded they had perfected the recipe. Their so-called "Teeth-a-Strong Bar" was a popular regional candy for a number of years before James Cambridge of Cambridge Brands made them an offer and secured the rights to this most unusual sugary creation. A fan of the recent dance craze, Cambridge renamed the bar "The Charleston Chew," and even released a 78 rpm record to promote it, the chorus of which went: Nowadays Charleston Chew can still be enjoyed by all, both in candy form and in fan fiction much like this review. It's an old-fashioned classic that merits more attention than it receives, especially given that it is one of the few reasonably low-fat candy bars around. Its marshmallow-like flavor and beguiling texture are a delicious blend.
Review by Dr. Tinkler |