 The Count of Monte Cristo (2002) About twenty minutes into this piece of penguin spooge, I started to get this creeping feeling that there was something important I had overlooked. Sure enough, looking at the DVD box, I discovered the key piece of info … it was directed by the same ham-fisted fuckwit who did Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (still my contender for worst film of all time). Incensed, I did a little more research and found that he also did Waterworld. Had I known either of these things beforehand, I never would have agreed to watch The Count of Monte Cristo. Of course, I should have realized by the presence of Guy Pearce that this movie would not be good. Pearce is probably the worst actor currently on the scene, and the more I see of him, the more I speculate that Memento was such a cool idea that anyone else would have seemed just as cool in the lead. Now I am on a fierce anti-Guy Pearce campaign. I insist that Memento be re-shot with Emanuel Lewis in his place, just to prove my point. As for Monte Cristo, you know you're in real trouble when Luiz Guzmán shows up halfway through—as a pirate. All this movie made me want to do was read. Review by Fabiola di Koko |
